A Time to Remember

A year ago today, I was curled up in a ball laying on my bed crying. I had just broken up with someone and I was so angry at my dad. I was 4 days away from beginning one of the greatest journeys of my life and all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to get away from everything.

It has been exactly one year since I've been in a relationship and I can honestly say it has been the best year out of the 23 I've been blessed with. It has been a year of growth, a year of struggles, a year of brokenness and healing. I saw God in a way that I never had before. I had always said I didn't need a man by side, but over the past year I've come to actually believe it and live that out. Starting with Journey, I saw the Lord place a shield around my (at the time) broken heart. He allowed me to see what it mean to let Him guard my heart, and then He taught me how to guard it myself. He brought me 11 men as a part of my team and allowed me to witness what it means to have a true brother in Christ. A brother who is interested in your walk with Christ and not just when he can take you on a date. I've had guy friends all my life. But I'd never had a guy friend that treated me the way Christ calls us to treat each other - as sons and daughters of the most high God.

I was able to watch one member of my team pursue his girlfriend, now fiance, in the way he handled his relationships with all the girls. It was a beautiful and tangible example of what I deserve and of how Christ constantly pursues me. I was allowed to let go, to truly live, to love again the way I was created to love. Christ set me back on my feet and simply said, "walk." So I did.

This past year I have walked in more freedom than I ever knew possible. I've learned so much about Jesus and His love for me. I have learned what it means to rest in His love. I've experienced His correction and His discipline. And, I've been romanced by the one man that deems me worthy of dying for.

This year, God has showed me just how faithful He is in everything that He does. He is a promise maker and a promise keeper. He has called me out of my comfort zone and into a life where I don't know what's next. But, I've never been more ok with that than I am right now.

Tomorrow, I leave again for a place that is more like home than I could've ever dreamed of. I leave with a healed heart; a heart full of hope and promise. I walk forward with confidence that His plans and timing are so sovereign. I march on knowing that my life rests in the palm of His hand and not in mine. For that, I am so thankful.

In the Eye of the Elephant

I have always wondered and people have often asked me where my love of elephants comes from. For the longest time I had no response. But, after learning about them extensively and reading stories about (and falling in love with) the girls at The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee, I think I've found an answer - or part of one at least.

They say that elephants never forget. I've read stories and watched countless videos of elephants reuniting with old family members that they were separated from. I've watched them mourn the loss of loved ones much like humans do. I've read about and have witnessed them remembering. But, I've also watched them forgive. I've watched them learn to trust people again. I've seen them open up to other elephants that have never been a part of their herd. I've watched them find joy and freedom despite the abuse and pain they experienced in the past.

These beautiful animals may not have souls (despite my desperate prayers), but my Savior and Creator shines through them and deeply touches mine. My heart is drawn to them and to any normal person, my love for them may seem irrational. But that's just it. Christ's love for us is irrational. It doesn't make sense and as much as we try, we'll never be able to explain it. It simply has to be experienced. And even then, it is only just a glimpse of what is to come.

When I look at an elephant, she's not just a massive gray creature. I see a masterpiece that only knows joy. I see a beauty that walks in freedom because the chains of her past have literally been cut from her ankles. I see scars that tell a story of rescue and redemption. I see eyes that are no longer worried about tomorrow. I see my Savior. And, I see in them who He wants me to be: a girl that knows no worry, that celebrates the smallest of joys, a daughter that embraces the freedom I've been set apart for, a child that loves with reckless abandon.

If for no other reason, these lovely works of my Creator were meant to be reminders to me of how deeply I am loved. I am continually blown away by the ways God chooses to romance me, teach me, and lavish His love on me.

I will get my moment with an elephant. And it will be magical. To look into her eyes and see into the heart of my Maker.

And Still, I Must Walk

If you know me at all, you know I do things with a passion. I speak with a passion. I write with a passion. I love with a passion. I live with a passion. But sometimes, I can feel that passion fading. I can feel the enemy sneaking in and telling me I'm not good enough or that I have to conform to the world I live in.

Over the past month at church, we were talking about Joseph and the pit he was in. We talked about what he learned while he was there and how God used that time to prepare him for what was coming. Joseph waited for God to pull him out of the pit. The pit was empty and void of water. (Genesis 37:24). Much like Joseph, I've been in my own pit since August. I just didn't recognize it for what it was.

Joseph's pit was a literal hole in the ground while mine was something different: school. Something inside of me has been telling me this isn't where I'm supposed to be anymore but I was fighting it. School has been hell for me and I haven't been able to live a full life confined within the walls that are holding me in. I've been waiting for the Lord, like Joseph, to just pull me out. But He had other plans in mind.

This summer, we had to pick one word that we thought God was teaching us. At first I thought my word was "wait", but I soon realized it was actually "walk". We walked all over the beautiful country of Kenya and I grew to prefer that over the bus rides. God constantly whispered in my ear that all He was asking me to do was walk with Him. He asked me in Kenya, and He's asked me again - while I was in my pit.

Like this summer, I thought He was asking me to wait - and so I did. I waited for His voice, for signs, for others to speak. I waited and waited and waited. But I never moved. For the past 7 months, I've been in a pit that looks a lot like a classroom and art studios. I've felt like I had to finish, that I had to stay. But, there was no passion for it, no desire. I would watch my classmates get so excited about design and paper samples and all I could think about was when I could talk to a future intern and answer their questions about Journey or Kenya. The only places I cared to be were at the church or in Kenya. But, I felt like I couldn't move from where I was.

Turns out the only things keeping me in school were the fact that the world says I have to go to school and get a degree and the fear of letting my parents down or disappointing them. But I was reminded that there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18). While my parents and others may WANT the best for me, I fully trust that God KNOWS best for me. So, while I was sitting in school, miserable as ever, just waiting for someone to tell me to move, the Lord was patiently waiting for me to do what He's been teaching me since May - to get up and simply walk.

He wasn't going to pull me out of this one because He knew that with Him by my side, I could walk out. He knew I could walk out of the light that culture was shining into my pit. He knew I could walk through the door of fear that was keeping me in. He knew that I could boldly walk out of what the world has for me and into what He has for me because He has equipped me, He is with me, and He is for me. When you realize that you don't belong to the world, but rather to the King - now that is an unstoppable force.

There is an overwhelming confidence that comes with walking in the steps of my Savior. There is a boldness in my steps because I know who goes before me. I also know who stands behind me. With God on my side, the world doesn't stand a chance. I may be called to be in this world, but I am not called to be of it.

So now I walk...

Journey Reflections

-Day 17 Reflection - 4 June 2012 - Monday - Ngaamba

Teaching for the first time.

Denali Primary School: 1st of the Summer.

"Beautiful. Today was absolutely beautiful. God is so alive and moving in this place. We got to walk to first school and it was the most beautiful walk. We got to talk to some of the 252 team. For part of the way we drove and Kristin asked us to sing some songs and pray. It was such a cool thing to experience with part of my team. When we got to the school, all the parents greeted us with hugs and smiles. We helped them gather stones to build the new school. It will take two years to complete it. I worked with a woman named Victoria. She has 3 kids. I met one of them, Kevin. These people work harder than anyone I've ever met before. I felt so convicted of being lazy back home. They never complain or stop to rest and they do everything with a smile on their face.

Jon Fox teaching kids through Rejoice Project.

My God is so so good. So beautiful and so intentional. The kids at the school don't have many visitors so they went a little crazy when we got there. We split up into smaller teams and got to teach 4 classes. Class 7 and 8 were two of the ones in our room and it was the first time I got to talk about something outside of the curriculum. Rachel asked them if they knew that God knows how many hairs are on their head. most of them seemed really surprised and said no. So I got to tell them that God's thoughts about them were more than the grains of sand and that wanted to talk to them. It was such a divine moment and completely orchestrated by God.

Kids at Kiu Primary playing.

After the lesson we got to play with the kids. They are starving for attention. When we left, I was walking when I felt two little hands grab me - Umbua and Thimba. We walked together until they had to turn to go home. I found myself walking in the middle of the road where there are ditches. I held their hands so they could walk up on the solid ground. I heard God whisper to me, "That's what I do with you." He constantly walks with us and allows us to stand on Him so we're not walking in the ditches but on solid ground. It was such a good day.

Our view at the top of the mountain outside of Kiu Primary. 

On the bus ride home, we all sang as loud as we could. I love worshipping my God with our team. He has blessed us so much and I know that there are only greater things to come."








Looking back at this journal entry, I can remember feeling so frustrated that day with how teaching went. I can remember getting back to the campsite feeling defeated because nothing went the way we planned. But, it was in the moment of feeling frustrated that God so lovingly - but firmly - assured me that things will never go well if I only rely on my own abilities. It was that day that I really understood that I have to rely on Him for His strength and not my own. I could've fought all summer, like I did that day, to make things go my way. But, I decided in my tent that night to hand my plans over to Him. Had I not, my summer would've been completely different. I'm so thankful that the Lord allowed me to feel as if I failed that day so that I would realize just how little I can accomplish without him. If I couldn't even carry a bag of rocks up a hill, how would I ever carry the weight of my own problems? That's the beauty of my Savior. He carries them for me and asks me to just keep walking.

Beauty in the Valley

My team this summer was heading to Kwambekenya when we stopped at The Great Rift Valley to look at some shops. I was standing on the lookout and I could not get over how absolutely stunning the valley was. It wasn't until two nights later when the Lord spoke me and told me that my own personal valley was just as stunning. Since that night, I've taken those words and applied them to every day of my life and the changes within my heart are inexplainable. Now, I'd love to be able to say that I'm never sad or frustrated or upset anymore but, that's not the kind of change I'm talking about. The valley is still frustrating. It's still upsetting at times. But, when I pause to reflect on why I'm in the valley, I find that it brings me an immense amount of joy.

We so often hear people talk about being "on the mountain top" or "in the valley" in regards to where they are in their walk with Jesus. More times than not, people would rather be on the mountain top as opposed to in the valley. I was one of those people before this summer. But, I've come to prefer being in the valley.

You see, while the mountain top is great, the valley is where you flourish, where you learn to struggle and overcome; where you learn to keep fighting. The view from the top may be spectacular, but if you stop and think about what you're looking at when you're up there, you'll realize that it's either the valley you just came out of, or the one you're about to head in to. From the top, the valley looks beautiful. So why isn't it that way while we're in it? If we can learn to change our perspective on where we currently are, our view of why we're there will drastically change.

In Ezekiel 3 God asks Ezekiel to GO into the valley so that He may speak to him. The Lord says to him, "Arise, go out into the valley, and there I will speak with you." (Ez 3:22). God asked Ezekiel to LEAVE the comfort of where he was and enter the valley where there was no one else but God. When I read this it spoke so strongly to me and was so encouraging to me to keep walking through my valley. So many times we feel as if Jesus has left us in the middle of the valley to find our own way out. But that is so far from true. He enters the valley WITH us! He walks with us - step for step. He leads us when we don't know the way. He pushes us to take that next step. He NEVER leaves us.

I just want to encourage you to really pray about why you're in the valley and to pray for God to change your perspective on being there. So many times I think to myself that everything would be so much easier if I could just get to the mountain top. But, I get there and find that I'm longing to be back in the valley. The valley is challenging. It shapes me and molds me. It's where I am reminded that I can't do it on my own. When you begin to see the beauty that your valley contains, you'll begin to see the beauty and goodness in every situation you find yourself in. You'll begin to see the purpose in every single thing that you face.

I used to be jealous of people who were on the mountain top. But, I've learned to celebrate with them while they're there; to encourage them and walk beside them while in the valley. Every moment has a purpose, you just have to be willing to appreciate where you are so that your eyes and heart may be opened to it.

Your valley is meaningful.
Your valley is full of life.
Your valley is important.
Your valley is YOURS.
Your valley is purposed and planned.
Your valley is beautiful.

Have faith and take a step.

I Am the Man in the Moon

I was driving home tonight after Fuse*, and I was thinking about - as I often do during car rides - just how marvelous and wonderful my God is. I had already had a cry-fest from being overwhelmed with joy from the Lord when I started to think about the moon. Many of you know why the moon is so dear to my heart, but tonight it finally clicked. I AM the moon! And so are you!

The other day we had a full moon. Before I ever saw the full moon at night, I saw it during the day. I've always thought it was a really neat thing to be able to see the moon during the day. It puts into perspective for me just how small I am. But, tonight, it hit me. This whole concept of seeing the moon during the day and seeing it at night.

Now, I'm sure we've all seen the moon during the day at some point in our lives. It's big, white, nothing really out of the ordinary. But at night, it shines! It radiates! It lights up the sky and guides us home. You may be asking yourself at this point, "how am I the moon?" Well, I'd love to tell you.

There are two types of people in this world: lost and found. Those that are lost are the moon during the day, just a shape hanging around with not a whole lot to offer to the world other than something cool to look at. Those that are found are the moon during the night, reflecting the light of the sun, being seen as something beautiful, extravagant, and most importantly, a light in the dark.

When we are without Christ we are dead. We don't shine. We don't radiate. With Christ, we do just that. We have the ability to light up the world. We were made in the image of Christ and He is the light of the world! He is the Son. And as Christians, we are the light as well. WE ARE THE MOON! We are able to reflect Christ and show others the way to Him. We reflect His light so that the world may see who He is, so that they may know He cares for enough to light their path - even in the dark!

So, I would challenge you to really think about who you are. You are the moon, but do you reflect the Son?