And Still, I Must Walk

If you know me at all, you know I do things with a passion. I speak with a passion. I write with a passion. I love with a passion. I live with a passion. But sometimes, I can feel that passion fading. I can feel the enemy sneaking in and telling me I'm not good enough or that I have to conform to the world I live in.

Over the past month at church, we were talking about Joseph and the pit he was in. We talked about what he learned while he was there and how God used that time to prepare him for what was coming. Joseph waited for God to pull him out of the pit. The pit was empty and void of water. (Genesis 37:24). Much like Joseph, I've been in my own pit since August. I just didn't recognize it for what it was.

Joseph's pit was a literal hole in the ground while mine was something different: school. Something inside of me has been telling me this isn't where I'm supposed to be anymore but I was fighting it. School has been hell for me and I haven't been able to live a full life confined within the walls that are holding me in. I've been waiting for the Lord, like Joseph, to just pull me out. But He had other plans in mind.

This summer, we had to pick one word that we thought God was teaching us. At first I thought my word was "wait", but I soon realized it was actually "walk". We walked all over the beautiful country of Kenya and I grew to prefer that over the bus rides. God constantly whispered in my ear that all He was asking me to do was walk with Him. He asked me in Kenya, and He's asked me again - while I was in my pit.

Like this summer, I thought He was asking me to wait - and so I did. I waited for His voice, for signs, for others to speak. I waited and waited and waited. But I never moved. For the past 7 months, I've been in a pit that looks a lot like a classroom and art studios. I've felt like I had to finish, that I had to stay. But, there was no passion for it, no desire. I would watch my classmates get so excited about design and paper samples and all I could think about was when I could talk to a future intern and answer their questions about Journey or Kenya. The only places I cared to be were at the church or in Kenya. But, I felt like I couldn't move from where I was.

Turns out the only things keeping me in school were the fact that the world says I have to go to school and get a degree and the fear of letting my parents down or disappointing them. But I was reminded that there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18). While my parents and others may WANT the best for me, I fully trust that God KNOWS best for me. So, while I was sitting in school, miserable as ever, just waiting for someone to tell me to move, the Lord was patiently waiting for me to do what He's been teaching me since May - to get up and simply walk.

He wasn't going to pull me out of this one because He knew that with Him by my side, I could walk out. He knew I could walk out of the light that culture was shining into my pit. He knew I could walk through the door of fear that was keeping me in. He knew that I could boldly walk out of what the world has for me and into what He has for me because He has equipped me, He is with me, and He is for me. When you realize that you don't belong to the world, but rather to the King - now that is an unstoppable force.

There is an overwhelming confidence that comes with walking in the steps of my Savior. There is a boldness in my steps because I know who goes before me. I also know who stands behind me. With God on my side, the world doesn't stand a chance. I may be called to be in this world, but I am not called to be of it.

So now I walk...

Kimbilio - A Home For Babies!

As most of you know, I spent this summer in Kenya as a Journey 

intern with Choose to Invest. Today, they announced the opening 

of their new orphanage and baby home, Kimbilio. I am so honored, 

proud, and excited that God would allow me to be a small part 

of this. You can be a part of it too! Read below to find out how. 

"Choose to Invest is a global discipleship movement for the 

next generation. Their mission is to awaken, disciple, and 

empower the next generation to know Jesus and make Him known. 

Kimbilio is one of three projects Choose to Invest has. 

Kimbilio is a refuge for orphaned and abandoned children in 

Kenya, Africa. Kimbilio is swahili, one of Kenya’s official 

languages, for refuge." 

"Choose to Invest made a big announcement about what is 

next for Kimbilio Project. In an attempt to provide a 

refuge for children they are starting a home for abandoned

babies in Kenya. Many children, specifically babies, are 

abandoned in hospitals by their mothers, left on the side 

of the street, in pit latrines (restrooms), or in garbage 

dumps. The Kimbilio Baby Home will allow Choose to Invest 

to start caring for these children who in the eyes of many 

have no hope and love. They will also be able to learn 

about their model, care, staffing, medical needs, budgets, 

volunteers, and much more. The Kimbilio Baby Home will set 

the course of the future for Kimbilio Project.

To read the announcement

 click here: http://www.investthoughts.org/?p=1827 

and to learn more about Kimbilio 

click here: www.choosetoinvest.org/kimbilio "

Unfortunately stories like Moses' are not uncommon! 

We have the ability to change the outcome of

these precious babies lives!

I'm asking each of you to consider helping Kimbilio provide a refuge for babies just like Moses. There are multiple ways you can do this! 

• You can be a sponsor family for children who will live in the baby home for just $45 a month! Find out how here http://www.choosetoinvest.org/#/kimbilio/sponsorship 

• You can help by donating to the rent cost of the home in Nairobi!

• You can help purchase things for the babies like cribs, beds, appliances, etc!

• You can be an advocate for a child at the home by helping us to find sponsor families for them! 

• You can host a baby shower or purchase something off of Kimbilio's registry! 

• To find out how to do all of these things click here! http://www.choosetoinvest.org/#/kimbilio/needs

Baking of Bread: A Mom's Humbling Sacrifice

"For children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children. I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls." - 2 Corinthians 12:14-15

Ever since I can remember, my parents have gone above and beyond to provide for my brother and I. We've never gone hungry or unclothed. We've never had to live on the streets or move in with friends. We've had numerous family trips and vacations. We've both been able to go to college. And, I've been able to go to Kenya. The Summer of 2013 will be for the third time. It is easy to look at my life and see that I've been greatly blessed with a fantastic family and parents that go out of their way to make sure I have what I need and most of what I want. (Still working on the F250;) )

Today, I was reminded just how much they do sacrifice for me, even at almost 23 years old. Still being in school, I don't have a lot of time to work which means I don't have the means to pay for a lot right now. More days than not, I walk around feeling guilty about it. But, today I was reminded that that's what God gave me parents for - to provide for me. Now, one day I will not rely on my parents anymore for my daily living, but for now that's the circumstances I've been given. I truly believe the Lord is using it to keep me humble and to remind me that I can't do anything on my own. Even when I won't rely on my parents anymore, I will still have to rely on Him - for even more than I rely on my parents now.

This morning, my mom sent me an email that she also sent out to her friends and co-workers. This is what it said:

Dear Friends and Supporters!!
My daughter, Abi, has applied and been accepted to go back to Kenya next summer with Choose to Invest.  She will go as staff this time.  This is truly where God is leading and using her.  All my bread proceeds for this year will again go to Kenya!  Just when I thought I would get ahead on some things, God seems to have other ideas.  I am so thankful He has given me this outlet in order to serve Him.

As many times as I've thought about people serving the body of Christ, I seem to forget that I am part of that body. My mom has sacrificed so much over the years for my brother and I. I can't even pretend to know all the things she's wanted to do but hasn't done so that we could do what we wanted. This is just another example of that. My mom's bread baking is her thing - something she loves doing for our family as well as others. And, yet again, she is using it to help me get to where I'm meant to be. I'm speechless as I read over this email again and again. I may be called to reach people 9,000 miles away, but my mom is reaching someone under her own roof. (Which is JUST as important and necessary might I add.) I am so humbled and thankful for the things my mom has done and is currently doing to help get me to where God has called me. I'm a part of my family for a reason and God knew long before I was created that I would need them to help me with all the things that have been placed on my heart - and He's blessed them with the means to do it. He blesses us so that we may bless others.


I am completely humbled this morning by witnessing my mom selflessly serving our God and me as I prepare for the next steps of my journey. I pray that we both continue to lean into Him and trust in His holy and perfect way. I pray we always enjoy the journey.

Rejoice Project

This is just a glimpse of what I had the opportunity to do this summer. I am still so humbled, honored, excited, and thankful for all that the Lord taught me and is continuing to teach me through my J2012 team and the people that I met in Kenya.

Journey Reflections

-Day 17 Reflection - 4 June 2012 - Monday - Ngaamba

Teaching for the first time.

Denali Primary School: 1st of the Summer.

"Beautiful. Today was absolutely beautiful. God is so alive and moving in this place. We got to walk to first school and it was the most beautiful walk. We got to talk to some of the 252 team. For part of the way we drove and Kristin asked us to sing some songs and pray. It was such a cool thing to experience with part of my team. When we got to the school, all the parents greeted us with hugs and smiles. We helped them gather stones to build the new school. It will take two years to complete it. I worked with a woman named Victoria. She has 3 kids. I met one of them, Kevin. These people work harder than anyone I've ever met before. I felt so convicted of being lazy back home. They never complain or stop to rest and they do everything with a smile on their face.

Jon Fox teaching kids through Rejoice Project.

My God is so so good. So beautiful and so intentional. The kids at the school don't have many visitors so they went a little crazy when we got there. We split up into smaller teams and got to teach 4 classes. Class 7 and 8 were two of the ones in our room and it was the first time I got to talk about something outside of the curriculum. Rachel asked them if they knew that God knows how many hairs are on their head. most of them seemed really surprised and said no. So I got to tell them that God's thoughts about them were more than the grains of sand and that wanted to talk to them. It was such a divine moment and completely orchestrated by God.

Kids at Kiu Primary playing.

After the lesson we got to play with the kids. They are starving for attention. When we left, I was walking when I felt two little hands grab me - Umbua and Thimba. We walked together until they had to turn to go home. I found myself walking in the middle of the road where there are ditches. I held their hands so they could walk up on the solid ground. I heard God whisper to me, "That's what I do with you." He constantly walks with us and allows us to stand on Him so we're not walking in the ditches but on solid ground. It was such a good day.

Our view at the top of the mountain outside of Kiu Primary. 

On the bus ride home, we all sang as loud as we could. I love worshipping my God with our team. He has blessed us so much and I know that there are only greater things to come."








Looking back at this journal entry, I can remember feeling so frustrated that day with how teaching went. I can remember getting back to the campsite feeling defeated because nothing went the way we planned. But, it was in the moment of feeling frustrated that God so lovingly - but firmly - assured me that things will never go well if I only rely on my own abilities. It was that day that I really understood that I have to rely on Him for His strength and not my own. I could've fought all summer, like I did that day, to make things go my way. But, I decided in my tent that night to hand my plans over to Him. Had I not, my summer would've been completely different. I'm so thankful that the Lord allowed me to feel as if I failed that day so that I would realize just how little I can accomplish without him. If I couldn't even carry a bag of rocks up a hill, how would I ever carry the weight of my own problems? That's the beauty of my Savior. He carries them for me and asks me to just keep walking.

Beauty in the Valley

My team this summer was heading to Kwambekenya when we stopped at The Great Rift Valley to look at some shops. I was standing on the lookout and I could not get over how absolutely stunning the valley was. It wasn't until two nights later when the Lord spoke me and told me that my own personal valley was just as stunning. Since that night, I've taken those words and applied them to every day of my life and the changes within my heart are inexplainable. Now, I'd love to be able to say that I'm never sad or frustrated or upset anymore but, that's not the kind of change I'm talking about. The valley is still frustrating. It's still upsetting at times. But, when I pause to reflect on why I'm in the valley, I find that it brings me an immense amount of joy.

We so often hear people talk about being "on the mountain top" or "in the valley" in regards to where they are in their walk with Jesus. More times than not, people would rather be on the mountain top as opposed to in the valley. I was one of those people before this summer. But, I've come to prefer being in the valley.

You see, while the mountain top is great, the valley is where you flourish, where you learn to struggle and overcome; where you learn to keep fighting. The view from the top may be spectacular, but if you stop and think about what you're looking at when you're up there, you'll realize that it's either the valley you just came out of, or the one you're about to head in to. From the top, the valley looks beautiful. So why isn't it that way while we're in it? If we can learn to change our perspective on where we currently are, our view of why we're there will drastically change.

In Ezekiel 3 God asks Ezekiel to GO into the valley so that He may speak to him. The Lord says to him, "Arise, go out into the valley, and there I will speak with you." (Ez 3:22). God asked Ezekiel to LEAVE the comfort of where he was and enter the valley where there was no one else but God. When I read this it spoke so strongly to me and was so encouraging to me to keep walking through my valley. So many times we feel as if Jesus has left us in the middle of the valley to find our own way out. But that is so far from true. He enters the valley WITH us! He walks with us - step for step. He leads us when we don't know the way. He pushes us to take that next step. He NEVER leaves us.

I just want to encourage you to really pray about why you're in the valley and to pray for God to change your perspective on being there. So many times I think to myself that everything would be so much easier if I could just get to the mountain top. But, I get there and find that I'm longing to be back in the valley. The valley is challenging. It shapes me and molds me. It's where I am reminded that I can't do it on my own. When you begin to see the beauty that your valley contains, you'll begin to see the beauty and goodness in every situation you find yourself in. You'll begin to see the purpose in every single thing that you face.

I used to be jealous of people who were on the mountain top. But, I've learned to celebrate with them while they're there; to encourage them and walk beside them while in the valley. Every moment has a purpose, you just have to be willing to appreciate where you are so that your eyes and heart may be opened to it.

Your valley is meaningful.
Your valley is full of life.
Your valley is important.
Your valley is YOURS.
Your valley is purposed and planned.
Your valley is beautiful.

Have faith and take a step.

Purpose

"I long for that sunset and that star-filled sky. My soul aches for that vast, open sky and endless horizon, uninterrupted by buildings or traffic. My heart yearns for the laughter and beautiful voices of hundreds of lovely children singing to us. I'm jealous for that pure joy, that radiating happiness regardless of temporary circumstances. It was there that I felt the true presence of God. It was then that I truly fell in love for the first time - with my Savior and all that He is, and a girl named Rebecca. It was in the middle of a field, walking on a well worn path to a village, that I finally felt the freedom God so often speaks of. It was at a school where I learned the meaning of slowing down, not worrying, and taking time to invest in the people God has placed in your life. It was in a tent on a Sunday that I witnessed true worship. It was in a hut built by a woman named Anna that I received healing and confirmation from God. It was at 5 a.m. when I stood across from Mt. Kenya and watched the sun rise. In all its glory, it was then that I witnessed creation worshiping its creator. It was on a street with no name, and in the hands of a community that I left my heart. It was on an airplane that I left my fear behind and learned to embrace the journey."

I wrote this after returning from Kenya the first time. And it's been mind blowing to look back and see the things God has allowed me to fall completely in love with. And, I know, at the root of it all, is Him. At the base, at the bottom, at the foundation of everything in my life, sits my Almighty Father on His holy and righteous throne. It is because of His grace, love, passion and relentless pursuit of my heart and life that I am able to know and understand where He has me and where He is taking me. I can't tell you the number of visions that dance through my head that I know are completely from the Lord and that I know He will bring to fruition one day. It is with boldness and confidence and pure JOY that I can say I'm thankful for the desert He has me in right now. I've never been more miserable in school in my life. But I've never been more satisfied in my Savior. I was made in the image of the Creator, the image of Christ, the image of my Father. Jesus went to the desert before He began His 33 year long ministry. So, why wouldn't Jesus ask me to do the same.

I've learned in the past few weeks that God will test you. He will push you. Because He alone knows what you're capable of. He knows when you're going to persevere and when you're going to crash and burn. He knew I would want to quit (and still do some days.) But, He also knew I would seek Him and listen to His spirit. He knew I would keep going and come out stronger than before. And, I truly believe that this is what the next three years are for - strengthening me so that I am prepared to leave here and go to where I've been called. He knows my heart longs for that day. But He keeps me focused while I'm here. He knows. He knows it ALL.

If you've ever read Kisses From Katie, you might remember the part where she talks about Pslam 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." She talks about how she changed her perspective on that verse and when she did, her life began to change. She began to ask God to make HIS desires HER desires and He began to open so many doors. The same is true for me. I began doing the same thing and rather than just praying for God to send me to Kenya, I began to ask Him to send me on His time and to close that door if it wasn't something He had planned for me. Well, He opened doors and opened them ALL the way! He has faithfully sent me to Kenya twice and is sending me back a third time. I can confidently say that I know I'm meant to be in Kenya. I can also confidently say that my purpose in this moment is to finish school before I go. I have learned so much since I first went to Kenya May 19, 2011. And I know that my journey is far from over.

I long for the people of Ngaamba that became more than faces with names, but dear friends. My soul aches for the precious voices of 21 other interns praising our Savior late into the night. My heart yearns for the greetings of the 252 team and the smiling faces of children dropping in to say hello. I'm no longer jealous for their joy, because I have been awakened to where it lies. It was this summer that I learned what a true brother in Christ looks like. It was 21 other people that showed me what true community is. It was 3 fearless leaders that displayed true leadership. It was in a living room in Nairobi where I discovered what God really thinks about me. It was in Segera where I saw the faithfulness of God and the true power of prayer. It was in Ngaamba where I saw the fruit of bold conversations. It was there that I knew God heard me and saw Him wink at me. It was at an orphanage in Nairobi where I experienced how God fights for me. It was in the scruffy voice of a boy named Melvin that I heard my Savior's gentle whispers. It was while painting canvases with hand and footprints that He told me I'd be back. It was in the bedroom of Narnia that I was able to laugh at past situations and claim victory over them. It was in the actions of my teammates that I learned what respect and pursuit looks like. It was in the lives of others that I got to witness victory through Christ. It was on top of a mountain that I realized I can't give up. It was over the course of ten weeks that I lived and loved, laughed and cried, grew stronger and broke down, let go and overcame. And that was only the beginning...